Surrounded by a half dozen Navy Seals, Senator Mitch McConnell and Rep. John Boehner opened their eyes in an underground tunnel at an undisclosed location below the streets of downtown Chicago.
Both men immediately started talking.
“How the hell. . .”
“Just where am I?”
“I am a United States Senator. . .”
And that was when the President of the United States, Barack Obama, strolled in dressed in wearing gym shoes, shorts and a grey sweat shirt dribbling a basketball.
The Navy Seals all saluted, the President returned the salute and McConnell huffed out. “Mister president, what in the world is. . .”
“Shut up Mitch.”
McConnell, like all bullies everywhere, immediately retreated and went quiet.
“Now Mitch, I tallk, you answer. Understand?”
“Well I. . .”
“You are nothing Mitch. Nothing. You’re a cheap piece of sleaze who hit it big playing a game. But you see Mitch the game is now over. I talk. You listen. So, question number one. And I hope this ain’t too hard for you. Mitch, what state do you come from?”
“Kentucky. But I . . .”
“What’s that race you have there Mitch? Never mind. I’ll answer. You are not the sharpest pitchfork in the stable, are you Mitch? The answer is the Kentucky Derby Mitch. And I’m thinking that next year? Come May? Or better yet, a week or so before May. When all your women are just about to go buy those silly ass hats? I’m thinking I might just snap my fingers and cancel ya’ll’s horse race. How you like that Mitch? Friends of yours loose any money Mitch?”
“But I. . .”
“Hmm,” said the President. How bout this?” He snapped his fingers and a Navy Seal handed him a piece of paper.” Mitch I got the names of the 10 people who own you. The ones that make it all possible for you to buy well. . .I don’t want to go into details. . .but lets just say the people who finance your ah present standard of living. Now what you say I just tell them to stop paying you?.”
“Mr. President. Sir. I thought you were all about compromise. Working together. How can you. . .”
“I was an idiot Mitch. I thought that I could make deals with you devils. I thought riding the middle, playing the center, I thought that was the right thing to do.”
“But it is Mr. President! It is!” John Boehner piped up.”
“Boner. And can I call you Boner? Wait. I’m the effing President. I can call you anything I want. Boner. You are that close to loosing your top 10 contributors and the entire Ohio State football season. IS that what you want Boner?”
“But sir I. . .”
“Too late for Sir, Boner. You too Mitch, game is over.”
“What do you want sir? How do we get out. . .what can we. . .”
“Stop babbling Mitch. And Boner? Stop crying. I’m going to give you a direction. You can call it an order if you want. I’m going to give you 4 fucking words boys. And they will be the words that will govern every single thing you do. Every tired, blowhard speech, every piece of legislation, every conversation you have with whatever handler at Fox News that has you on the phone barking orders today.
These will be the four words you will live by. And I am keeping it simple. Keeping it at four words. Because I know when you two get into the longer sentences things can get ah confusing for you. So are you ready boys?”
“Yes sir.”
“Then here are the four words that from now on will govern every single thing you do.
Blessed are the meek.
“You boys know who said that?”
“No sir,” said Boner.
“You sir?” said McConnell.
“No boys. Wrong. It wasn’t me. But that’s alright. I forgive you.
Just don’t ever forget those words. Because if that happens. And it probably will because evil never dies easy—-we three will be right back here again. And we’ll have to have another lesson. And next time? Next time I won’t bring the Navy Seals. Next time it will be just the three of us.
And you do not want that to happen. So once again boys. Tell me the four words.
“Blessed are the meek.”
“Good start boys. Good start.
But we have a long, long way to go. A long long way before you boys learn what it means to respect.”